Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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