if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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