sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
She needs sedatives and a leash
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
