I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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