Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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