Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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