I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
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