omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
