he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
