You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
