I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize