My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
