I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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