My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
