Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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