So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
