my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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