i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
