I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
