He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
