He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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