I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize