Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
