He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
