I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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