You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Randomize
