So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
