I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
