I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
