nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Randomize
