I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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