I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
