the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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