I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
