I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
