My Higher Power is John Stamos
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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