I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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