Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
