dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
