sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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