I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
