I can text with my tongue
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Randomize
