somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
