I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
