The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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