If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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