On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
