ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
