Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
it's like iHOP with fire
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
