Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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