I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Randomize
