The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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