He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
