Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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