I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
