my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
