Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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