she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
