i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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